


Goodbye

by justjaeyong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Closure, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 13:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13296360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justjaeyong/pseuds/justjaeyong
Summary: Yuta has moved on, he has turned the page and left Hansol in the previous chapter. He was never meant to play a big character in Yuta’s book the same way with Yuta in his. They’ve done their roles and played their parts, Yuta has moved on and it’s time for him to do the same. It’s time he come to terms that they were just not meant to be.





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [YuTopia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YuTopia/gifts).



> To my Yukkeuri aka the biggest Yusol shipper I know... this is my late Christmas gift to you I hope you enjoy it ily! <333
> 
> This is inspired by Hansol's The Unit audition. 90% flashbacks so I hope you won't be confused.  
> PS: PLEASE DONT EXPECT TOO MUCH there's an explanation at the end in case you guys get confused and please excuse any wrong grammar if you see one.

Hansol glanced around the place, no matter where he looked at he could see idols practicing their routines while others are trying to shake their nerves away. Suddenly, he was reminded of his disadvantage, how everyone there are no doubt talented and experienced in the field. They’ve all had debuted before unlike him, who is still a trainee until now. He wasted his adolescent years under a company he believed will help him make his dreams come true, but in the end his hard work resulted to none.

He immediately felt small and overwhelmed; his heart quickened, palms turned cold, and beads of sweat formed on his forehead. He can feel the coiling of his gut, his insides churning making him want to throw up.

“Hansol, are you alright?” he hears his manager ask. “You look pale, are you hungry? Do you need a drink?” He shuts his eyes tight and slowly shakes his head no before taking a deep breath in attempt to calm himself.

“I’m fine,” he whispered, not entirely sure who he is telling it to. “I’ll just go to the restroom for a while, I’ll be quick.”

Hansol was welcomed by white fluorescent lights and tiles. He quickly made sure that every cubicle is empty before finally facing the mirror once he’s certain he’s alone. “They’re not different from you, you’re all here to audition.” he told himself. “Being a trainee doesn’t make you less, you’ve been preparing for this.”

“You can do it,” he repeatedly told himself. “You can do it, Hansol, you can do it.”

Today is an important day and he can’t let himself ruin it, for today is the start of a new chapter in his life. Hansol decided that his audition piece would be his last and official farewell to his past. No matter what the results would be, he would put everything behind him and there would be no turning back; even though the past he’d leave behind includes a certain Japanese…

 _Yuta_ _Nakamoto_

He remembers the first time he met the younger, it’s been years but the memory is still fresh as if it only happened yesterday. Yuta seemed so lost not understanding a thing and trying his hard to communicate with his broken and heavily accented Korean. He recalls the first time he heard Yuta sing and how he thought it was the sweetest voice he’s ever heard, like a choir of angels singing from above. He also recalls how bad Yuta used to be in dancing, he was hopeless with his two left feet. But as time passed Yuta’s Korean and dancing skills improved so much… and so did Hansol’s feelings towards him.

Hansol’s shy to people he just met while Yuta is always confident that his presence overwhelmed him at first, it took time but soon the elder became comfortable with him too. Hansol’s a year older than Yuta yet it’s always the younger leading and dragging him around, not that he mind. They have a lot of differences yet they still clicked, it’s as if these differences made them compliment each other and before he knew it, the two of them were inseparable.

Two sides of the same coin, different yet similar, that’s how the others would describe them.  
  
  
A knock was heard from the door interrupting his thoughts, “Hansol are you there?”

“Y-yeah,” he replied, his voice shaking. “I’ll be out in a second.”  
  
  
  
  
All auditionees were gathered in the waiting room, some greeting each other like old friends while Hansol sits quietly in one corner– a stranger to everyone he is. He was going to be the last to audition and there are more before him. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, once again Hansol lost himself in the memories of his past.

“Hansol-hyung, I like you,” said the Japanese lad.

It was late in the evening and practice has ended an hour ago yet the two were left after the younger asked Hansol to stay and help him with a certain part in the dance. Yuta’s confession came out of nowhere and the elder was caught off guard. After going through the dance over and over again, they decided to rest and sit on the cold floor of the practice room. One minute they were happily talking and laughing about nonsense when their eyes met, gazes locked on each other as their laughter slowly died, and suddenly Yuta was confessing.

Hansol was uncertain at first whether the younger was telling the truth or playing with him, but looking at the serious expression on his face, he could tell it was real. “I’m not saying this because I’m expecting something from it,” Yuta explained. “The ball is still in my court, I don’t want to pressure you. Whether I’ll do something about this or not is still up to me. I just want to let you know so it wouldn’t surprise you if I start acting on it.”

Hansol was left speechless, he doesn’t know what to say for it was the first time someone confessed to him. Yuta then stood up as if nothing happened and they both went back to practice. Once they were done he thanked Hansol for his help and even invited him to dinner before going back to the dorm. If one thing is for certain then it’s that Yuta truly is a manly man like he says he is.

Yuta being true to his words of not putting pressure on Hansol never uttered a word about his confession. But even when he is not using his words, actions speak louder and Hansol can recognize the subtle changes in his; from how Yuta would often sneak glances his way to how his touch would linger longer than usual.

Hansol can’t exactly tell when or how he started harboring feelings for the younger, but he’s certain it’s something that didn’t happen overnight. Maybe it started that day Yuta smiled at him with eyes sparkling and soft pink lips forming a heart that caused his breath to hitch. Maybe it was that time he felt a spark of electricity coursing through his skin after they accidentally touched. Or perhaps it was when they were practicing and Yuta was wearing a tank top drenched in sweat that immediately made Hansol’s heart stop and his pants tight at the sight. He knows it’s been there for a while now, that it slowly grew as they spent more time together and the younger confessing to him that night was the wake up call he’s been waiting for. Hansol feels the same way as Yuta does, but he’s completely clueless on what to do about it.   
  
  
For nights Hansol stayed awake and pondered on all his what ifs and maybes until he came to a conclusion; no matter what, he and Yuta can never be.

“A penny for your thoughts?” his roommate Ten asked. “Hyung seems troubled with something.”

“It’s nothing,” he replied, shaking his head.

“Nothing always means something,” the Thai lad retorted causing him to chuckle.

“There’s someone I like-”

“Figures,” Ten cuts off. “I’m guessing I know this person.”

“That... doesn’t matter,” says Hansol. “Now are you gonna let me finish or are you going to keep interrupting?” Ten raised his hands in surrender.

“This person told me they like me and I don’t know if I should admit I like them too or not,” Hansol explained. “I mean, they said they’re not expecting anything anyway and it’s not like we can be together.”

Ten snickered, “Hyung, you’re the only one making things complicated,” said the younger. “The person said so, they aren’t expecting anything, then why are you overthinking?”

Hansol looked at him, confusion evident on his face, Ten  then shakes his head, “You know just because you both have feelings for each other doesn’t mean you have to be together.” Ten stiffles his laugh when he saw the elder who is now more confused than before.

“So, what are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying tell him how you feel, be honest and let whatever happen… happen.”  
  
  
Taking into account the younger’s advice, Hansol decided to confront Yuta the next day. It was one of those days that they do not have anything scheduled, no dance practice, vocal training and language lesson to attend to. To add to his luck, Taeyong, Yuta’s roommate, went out with Jaehyun an hour ago leaving the Japanese in their room alone.

Hansol took a deep breath and gathered all his courage before knocking on the door. He knocked twice and spoke, “Yuta, can we talk?”

The door opened shortly, “Hansol-hyung, come in,” the younger invited Hansol inside the room.

“What’s up?” Yuta asked as he sat on a neatly done bed Hansol assumes belongs to Taeyong, while he remained standing not far.

Hansol bowed his head not wanting to meet the younger’s eyes, “I like you too.”

Yuta’s eyes widen in surprise, he thought Hansol stopped by to tell him to stop for he doesn’t feel the same way, but it was the opposite.

“I can’t tell you exactly how it started, but I know I’ve always admired you. I didn’t know to what extent until that night you told me your feelings,” he continued. “It was like a wake up call that made me realize, I’ve always been attracted to you. And no, it wasn’t just a simple crush that kids in middle school experience, it was something greater, something more–“

“Hyung,” Yuta called, cutting the elder and giggling a little, “you’re rambling. I already heard what I wanted to hear.”

Hansol sighed deeply and sat on the other end of the bed, a few meters away from Yuta. “I wasn’t going to tell you this because I don’t see the point, but a friend told me to be honest. Now I’m here, but after telling you everything, I still don’t know what to do.”

“Hyung,” Hansol turned to the younger who was surprisingly smiling at him. “I mean it when I said I’m not expecting anything. We’re both in the process of reaching our dreams in life and it’s true a relationship between us can mess things up. We don’t need to be anything, I just want to make you feel what I feel for you.”

Ten’s words suddenly played in his mind, _“just because you both have feelings for each other doesn’t mean you have to be together.”_

“What does that make us then?” Hansol asked.

“Friends,” Yuta answered nonchalantly, “Friends who happen to like each other but are not officially together nor exclusive.”  
  
  
At that time the idea seems great to the young and naive Hansol, but looking at it now, almost two years later, it was the worst.

They remained the same close friends they were, probably closer if it’s possible. Nothing much has changed between them, except for the late night dates and the secret meetings every midnight once the other members are asleep.

Hansol laughs to himself while recalling the very first kiss they shared; it was awkward and embarrassing, far from the beautiful and magical kiss everyone expects. There were a lot of lip biting and teeth clacking, especially since both wanted to lead. In the end it was Hansol who yielded and let the younger have his way.

They went on dates and even kissed, but if you ask them they’re just friends. Hansol shakes his head and chuckles bitterly at how utterly stupid his young self was.  
  
  
  
The rookies celebrated the new year’s together, everyone was excited for 2016 is the year they’ve all been waiting for. Right after they welcomed 2016, the idea of NCT was explained to them and preparations for debut started immediately; from filming of teasers to preparing the first unit. It was a hectic start, combining both debut preparations and SM Rookies activities, but not once did they complain for the busy schedule made everything seem more real.

On the last week of January, the teaser Hansol participated in was released. It felt different, his heart was swelling with pride as he watched. This time it’s not just a simple promotional video for SM Rookies but an actual teaser for their very own group. Days later the concept of NCT was introduced to the public, various reactions were given, but most were confused and had a hard time grasping the new group’s concept.

Two weeks later they had their last Rookies’ show in Thailand. The warm welcome of the fans was overwhelming, who would’ve thought they’d already be that big despite not having their debut yet.

In April, the first subunit–  Taeyong, Jaehyun, Ten, Taeil, Doyoung and Mark–  NCT U made their debut, Hansol and Yuta held each other’s hand as they watched the two music videos; a promise of them being on the next unit and debut together was exchanged.

In May, they held a graduation for the rookies and fans were invited to the event. With that, their  journey as rookies have officially ended. After their graduation, the rookies were gathered and the lineup for the next unit was also announced. Yuta was one of the members who will make their debut, but sadly Hansol was not. Among all the older members, he, Johnny and Kun were the only ones who is yet to debut.

Hansol and Yuta met each other on the rooftop that night. He can clearly remember how Yuta’s eyes shine under the stars and how bright and wide the smile on his face was. The Japanese was obviously ecstatic about the news and though Hansol was a bit upset, he can’t help but smile as well at the sight of a blissful Yuta. No one bothered speaking, yet the silence that enveloped them wasn’t uncomfortable either. Yuta was lost in his thoughts while Hansol was lost in him, admiring his face up close, afraid he might not be given the chance to do it again when the time comes.

He watches as the smile on the younger’s face slowly dissipated and got replaced by a stoic expression. “I’ll wait for you,” Yuta whispered out of nowhere, voice hard, but still with a hint of sadness. Yuta looked directly into his eyes before continuing, “Promise me you wont give up, Hyung; promise me you’ll work even harder for us to be together again.”

Hansol nods his head in reply, he couldn’t hold the grin that broke through on his face. He grabbed the younger by his arm and pulled him in a tight hug. Yuta was frozen for a second, the two of them never really hugged before since they’re both ‘too manly’ for it. The act was new to him, but he couldn’t deny how it made his heart flutter. Unconsciously, he has wrapped his arms around the elder and rested his head on his shoulders.

Hansol doesn’t know how long they stayed in that position before they pulled away and called it a night, heading back to their respective rooms.  
  
  
It was the last time the two of them were able to spend time together, after that night they hardly saw each other. Yuta became busy preparing for debut while Hansol continued with his training, it didn’t help that Yuta and the rest moved to a different dorm. Of course they didn’t lose contact, what used to be their late night escapades turned to late night phone calls; still it was different from actually seeing each other. They don’t get to talk much for they would often fall asleep while on call due to exhaustion from a whole day of practice. It was understandable, but understanding the situation did not help stop the feeling of yearning from growing.   

NCT 127’s debut came faster than expected, Hansol couldn’t be more proud after seeing Firetruck’s music video and their live stage. It inspired and urged him to work even harder so he can join Yuta and his friends on stage again soon.

But as promotion continues, his longing for his old friend flourishes even more, time passed by like a blur and before he knows it, it’s already Yuta’s birthday. He tried meeting the younger to celebrate but as expected Yuta declined, saying he’s busy and won’t make it. He’s been busy for months that the frequent phone calls they used to have became lesser each week until it completely stopped that Hansol cannot even remember what their last proper conversation was about.

It hurt, it hurt because it feels like he’s being tossed aside now that Yuta’s starting to get more famous even though he knows that wasn’t the case. He knows, and that fact made him slightly hate himself, he should be supportive and proud yet here he is… along with his longing for Yuta, one other thing developed in him; something he didn’t expect or most likely, something he’s been trying to contain and deny.

Envy.

Hansol was never one to get jealous easily over something he doesn’t have. He believes with hard work he can get whatever his heart desires, that there’s no point being miserable when you can use the time to work for your goals rather than despising people for having what you don’t. But in the line of work Hansol has, it’s quite difficult keeping the same mindset; especially when he’s seeing his friends, the people he used to train with for years, be on stage performing under the spotlight without him.

Don’t get him wrong, Hansol was genuinely happy for them, proud even with all the things that are happening to them. But can you blame him for yearning to be on the same stage as them? Can you blame him for wanting to experience the same things they get to do? Performing on live television, meeting fans and attending events. Hansol has always been the type to go with the flow but lately there has been no current and he’s stuck in the middle of a stagnant sea, trying to keep himself afloat. Slowly he’s beginning to sink, drowning in his own anxiety, insecurities and self doubt; the harder he fights, the more he resists, the stronger the pull gets.

His contract with SM’s expiring soon so when a friend brought up the idea of leaving his company to join another, Hansol won’t lie, it was a something he cannot dismiss. Day and night it plagued his mind, tempting him with thoughts of what could be. Truth is, Hansol was running out of reasons to stay; he’s been training under his company for years, but it’s evident they still have no plans for him nor his future. The only reason he has for sticking around doesn’t seem that worth it anymore.

What was he expecting anyway, Yuta’s working and living his dream, who is he to be prioritized by the younger? It’s not like he and Yuta are together. They are just friends–   _were friends_ –  until they took their separate paths and now they seem like they’re back to being acquaintances; strangers who used to know each other.  
  
  
  
Hansol woke up to someone tapping his leg. “Hey, wake up,” he heard a male voice called. Slowly he opened his eyes and was met by one of the staff, “It’s been a long day, huh? Don’t worry kid you’re up next, follow me.”

Hansol nods his head and hurriedly stood up and followed the man.  
  
  
Every step Hansol takes, the faster his heart starts beating.

This is it, there’s no turning back now, he’ll go on stage and perform for the judges, but at the same time he’ll breakaway and bid farewell to his past.

His name appeared on the screen and he walked to the center with one last thought in mind..

Yuta has moved on, he has turned the page and left Hansol in the previous chapter. He was never meant to play a big character in Yuta’s book the same way with Yuta in his. They’ve done their roles and played their parts, Yuta has moved on and it’s time for him to do the same. It’s time he come to terms that they were just not meant to be.

The song started and Hansol began to sing and move to its beat. No matter what the outcome would be, he swore to himself that he would let everything go and no longer live in the past nor dwell on it. This performance will serve as the closure he’s been wanting for so long but never got the chance to have.

 

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHAHAH LAME AF I KNOW I'M SORRY
> 
> Okay so to explain their relationship... Yuta has always given me the "I dont do labels" vibe since day 1 so I tried incorporating it here in the story. They like each other but since it'snot allowed they didn't pursue a relationship but that didn't stop them from expressing their feelings for each other. Then when Yuta debuts Hansol suffered from insecurity and jealousy. He's jealous because he sees Yuta doing things he wants to do and at the same time he felt insecure because they're not officially together so he doesn't have any hold on Yuta whatsoever. We also see present Hansol regretting his decision agreeing to such arrangement between them because in the end it just made things more difficult for him. While Yuta is enjoying his new found stardom, Hansol was left hanging with nothing but memories and wishful thinking. In the end he managed to accept everything that happened and his audition piece was his last farewell.  
> Basically everything here is just Hansol's side of the story. I wanted to make Yuta a bit of a mystery here also the reason why I didn't go further with Hansol's departure because I think it's more on Yuta's side how he would accept if he's okay with it or not etc etc. 
> 
> It's obvious I wasn't able to convey perfectly what I wanted to in this story. I'm sorry :'( I told you don't expect too much. Anyway I hope you still enjoyed the story!
> 
> [Twitter](http://twitter.com/justjaeyong)


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